Thursday, September 13, 2007

Not quite enough

Sometimes I have delusions of grandeur and think that with just a little more money I could do exactly what I want to in order to have the life I want to be leading. With a bit more in the bank, I could...
...move out more for a rainy day.

I spend a lot of time writing down numbers on little scraps of paper. My monthly income. My monthly bills. My potential monthly bills if situations change, like working more or magically winning the lottery since I never buy tickets.

The thing is that I have this very American mentality of needing more all the time. But more isn't what I really need. I am daily being tested by this. Every day I still live at home with my family, every day I have to drive an hour and a half to school and back, every day I put a little more into my savings account, I think... someday.

Lately, I have been really frustrated with the state of things. I want to be out of here, out of this house, out of this city, and it's a struggle. Not a true struggle like being African American and living in the South post-Civil War, or even being African American and living in the South today, but a struggle and a hardship to bear for me on a mental stability level. I want to be doing more for myself, taking care of myself, not relying on anyone, making my own way. It's definitely a season of wanting, for sure.

I'm really hoping things get better, and I know that some things have changed... I'm moving forward, planning which courses I'll take in order to graduate someday, and I'm loving the autumn weather, this cool air on these windy, brisk, lovely days, and I'm enjoying my tasks at hand, my homework, editing the textbook for my professor, and just living life. Here's hoping this season is entirely the right length.