Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Possibilities for S's return

S told me last night that he's apprehensive about returning, about seeing me again. I feel kind of bad about this, because I feel like it's my fault for creating expectations of what it will be like when he gets back. I want to see him and hold hands again, nothing big and scary, but it's different, something to deal with. I fully realize that it's totally possible than any number of things can happen when he returns to Minnesota after being gone for 6 1/2 months, and not all of them are positive for me.

He could get bored of being unemployed and look for a job somewhere else, like teaching English in Taiwan or Beirut. He could apply to graduate school in Washington D.C. or College Station, Texas. Or he could appreciate me even more and be incredibly happy to be where he is, which could quench his wanderlust for at least a few months. He could find me completely unattractive or annoying and not want to date me anymore. He could meet someone else who is more beautiful and interesting and who doesn't talk about libraries all the time and fall in love with her.

Really, honestly, as long as he is the happiest possible and feels like he's making the right decisions for himself in his life, I will be glad for him and his future. Even if it doesn't include me.

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